How many times have I said to myself that I would never …and then turn right around and do it anyway? I thought that I would grow up to fully experience the American dream. You know, the one that includes a white picket fence, two beautiful children, boy and girl, an amazing husband, the perfect career and a partridge in a pear tree. So basically I had this dream in high school and I thought that my entire life would be filled with warm and fuzzy feelings. I don’t even know why I thought that because I grew up in a dysfunctional house. I digress. The point is that in addition to this dream I had a long list of things that I would never do and never deal with. Then reality slapped me in the face.
I’m 32, and I just graduated from college with my B.A. about two weeks ago. I have THREE children and the youngest has autism. My husband and I got married when I was 19 and a world of woes was bestowed on my little princess head. I do have a house with a white fence. It’s a broken fence like the story of my life. With the exception of that broken white fence I have managed to have very few of the things that I thought and believed I’d have and I ended up with more of the things on the other list. My marriage, like my fence has been broken, tested and taken through the fire. I won’t dish up a whole story here on where my life has come from but suffice it to say that I have a past rooted deep in pain, shame, and betrayal.
But that was yesterday back in yesteryear. I’m no longer broken and neither is my marriage. I have thrown away my crown of shame and replaced it with wisdom from the garments of experience. The pain that once marred my face has also been dispelled. I’ve learned to push past the tears and learn from the pain. I stand with my feet firmly planted in the shoes of this new being that I have become. Like a butterfly I endured the process of my cocoon and I’m free. I’m not bound by any of the sorrow that took me out yesterday because my past is just that…the past.
Strength comes from brokenness not from the ability to hide pain. By taking the pieces of me that were broken and offering them to the Lord I realized that I don’t have to fix me and I don’t have to pretend that nothing is wrong. I simply have to trust Him. I can be still and know that He is God and His grace is enough. It is sufficient for me. I roll away from the pain and learn from it so I don’t have to stay broken.
I’m a 32 year old recent graduate from Regent University, proud mother of three, faithful wife of one, loyal follower of Christ, bold, courageous, strong, black woman. I am here in part because of my past but my past is yesterday’s news. I am who I am today and I don’t have to hide from yesterday because my past is just that…my past.